A Parent's Point of View

People with disabilities deserve love, understanding

by John P. Cleary

July 24, 2010

It takes a while to get used to the stares. Sometimes I have to remind myself to be polite when answering rude questions. But, bit by bit, I am learning how to ease our disabled daughters’ interactions with the outside world.

As parents, my wife and I have an obligation to see our children enjoy all the benefits of living in the Twin Tiers. We do the things that most families do: go to movies and restaurants, play at parks, travel and attend public events. Often, those things take an extra little bit of planning, but life would be pretty dull if we spent it all at home.

Our children, some of whom have developmental disabilities and mental health concerns, are well-behaved and friendly. Sometimes, some of them exhibit behaviors that might make them seem unusual or different to people who don’t know them well. For example, we have a 16-year-old daughter who, emotionally and intellectually, behaves in ways a much younger child might. Our 8-year-old daughter is, physically, very small, and our 3-year-old daughter is almost infantile in many respects.

Some outsiders are confused or surprised when meeting our children. It doesn’t take long for them, for example, to notice unusual behaviors by our oldest daughter. Because her disability is not physically obvious, people might think she is just fooling around or acting silly. The same is true for our other children.

Most people we encounter understand the world is made up of all kinds of folks, and quickly adjust to the situation. They look to us for clues of how to respond, and remain polite and friendly.

But many people react with surprise and, occasionally, disgust or fear. We’ve been treated rudely by hotel and restaurant staff, store clerks, other parents and even school personnel.

Fortunately, my children are generally oblivious to these reactions. As a parent, though, it stings a bit to see how some people look upon your children as an imposition or threat. It bothers me even more when people express unwarranted pity.

I realize most of these reactions are founded in inexperience and fear. If you’ve never had a chance to talk or work with someone with a disability, it might be natural to feel uncomfortable around them at first.

Sometimes, discreetly explaining my children’s challenges can ease the situation. Some people are so rude, I don’t waste the energy.

One thing is for certain. These situations aren’t going to get in my family’s way of participating in our community. Our institutions and opportunities belong as much to my children as to anyone else, and we are committed to including them in all aspects of life.

When you meet someone a little bit different, consider it an opportunity to rejoice on the great diversity we enjoy as a community. Our world is richer when everyone has the chance to be a part of it.

(John Cleary is the parent of children with developmental disabilities and a writer/journalist who resides in the Southern Tier of New York.)